Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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