i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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