fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
