im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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