exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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