fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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