I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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