Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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