Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
