the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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