Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
