He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
