Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
