So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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