Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
