just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
