If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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