Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
