Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
