My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The Olympian is in my bed
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
