mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
