I can text with my tongue
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I wish I only lived at night.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
