all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize