the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Alive.
So much puke
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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