Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
