on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
