if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
