I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
