p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
