My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
