Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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