And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
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i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
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HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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