She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
