The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
