Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
