I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
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We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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