Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
