I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
