I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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