Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
