I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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