i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
