Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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