I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
