When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
