she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
