I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
