Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
