then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
