nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
