she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
