she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
