Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
