I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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