In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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