Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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