I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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