Where are you?
In a non slutty way
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
