so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
