Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
