He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
